My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
