Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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