Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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