Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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