I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize