I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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