his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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