how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
