I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
