It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
