No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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