Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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