So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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