So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
