I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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