yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize