o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
