I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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