508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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