I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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