Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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