she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
