The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
