my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
