This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
