Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
