I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize