First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
