do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
