New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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