you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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