I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
