Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
