like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize