i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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