Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
