the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize