The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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