That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
