i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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