You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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