So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
