I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
