I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize