Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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