Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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