I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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