He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
