theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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