Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize