If i come over, it means nothing
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
