I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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