So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
