Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
