The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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