When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
