Your face is a jimmy john
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
