remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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