Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
