some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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