if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
